they said i left You (you with a capital Y)
at the altar (white marble, green forest clearing)
how can it be for both worship and matrimony?
they said i left You at the altar
as if it was not i (i with a smallcase i) waiting there for decades,
with every turn of the seasons
in the the storm and in the scorching sun
my skin melted and fused to my bone.
what is this but a parasocial relationship that paid me
in wages of only death, guilt, and shame
for just existing and wanting to be.
i was always searching yearning longing
alert, head on a swivel
for the smallest clue that You
were here, there, somewhere, anywhere.
for You, i was climbing this never ending mountain
three steps forward two steps back
and when my feet fell off, i kept going on my knees
eventually they shattered too and fell off
it was then that i kept crawling with my hands and teeth.
in agony i pleaded to the universe,
exchange my life just for a glimpse,
of a sliver of a shadow of Your existence.
finally i close my eyes i cant tell if
it's for the last or the first time.
i try to listen...
and hear nothing.
they said i left You at the altar
but i also left behind an empty grave.